My Uncle Ran Away With Gardella After Hearing His Fat New Chune, “LICK!”: An Open Letter to Uncle Rick

Dear Uncle Rick,

The house sure has been awful quiet since you left. It’s been odd to walk around the house without hearing you blaring Gardella’s entire discography out of that beat-up blue JBL speaker. I’ve even been able to get a little homework done without pausing to booty-shake to the bass with you every five minutes. But the silence can be overwhelming without my favorite Uncle around, it seems Aunt Martha’s wails are the only sound that fills the void you left behind. “Curse that sexy, enchanting musical genius,” she howls into the night, “how are average women like me supposed to compete with an Adonis who can DJ, produce, AND rap?!” I pity her self-indulgent sadness, but sometimes, when I hear her grieving laments in the dead of the night, I wonder who really could compete?

Although we certainly do miss you, I think Junior and I are handling the elopement much better than Auntie. Ya see, I understand you Rick, I really do. I still remember the first time I heard “LICK!”, with the smooth, trap-horn based intro that effortlessly builds tension, with the type of hefty bass-drop that strikes fear into the hearts of the unprepared, with the b-pattern womp that stomps the groove deep into your soul. I understood your passion in that moment. I remember you slamming on the lights in my room at 3 in the morning and shoving that same damn JBL in my face, screaming about some new Gardella. I remember you spinning back that second drop five times in a row, chattering on and on about the impressive use of frequency shifted wiggles and the subtle art of the bop. I truly knew then that you had an bit of an obsession, and I thought that might be problematic. But at the same time, I couldn’t really blame you. Even my sleep-addled brain was able to recognize that “LICK!” was one of the greatest bass songs to grace the scene since “Caillou Theme Song Trap Edit (Slowed & Bass Boosted)”, a timeless classic. 

I fell back asleep that night to the dulled tones of “LICK!” playing over and over and over, and when I woke up, you and that JBL 2 were gone. I had no doubts in my mind about where you went, and to be honest, I can sympathize with you. If I was an Uncle, I would’ve ran away with the most boundary-pushing artist in the game long ago, which makes what I’m about to ask that much harder. Please leave Gardella and the contagiously groovy bass hits of his new chune, “LICK!”. Please give up the hefty, throbbing low-end and unchecked hype from Shane and his newest release. Please do what dozens of other Uncles before you hadn’t the willpower to do. Please, Uncle Rick, come home.

-Dingus McCringus

Stream Gardella’s new song, “LICK!’, available on all platforms 7/16!